by MW Cook
Mack’s right, don’t plan to write, just write
“Hello everyone and welcome to Popular Game Show! I’m your host, Guy Smiley”
“We have a very special episode for you today. We have two teams of our best contestants from previous episodes competing for the Ultimate grand prize, that rare and beautiful gem, that Pearl of Great Price, the Beatific Vision! This pearl weighs in at an amazing 250lbs pounds, making it the largest pearl in existence by far. There’s none like it! It has been sought after since time began.”
“Let’s meet our teams. In the blue shirts we have Team Terrarum returning from a winning streak of more than 2000 episodes, congratulations guys.”
TT: Thanks, Guy.
“And a relative new-comer in the red shirts we have The Company of Caelestis, also known simply as R.E.R.. These folks have had a bit of a rough go in past episodes, but they’ve never actually been eliminated, let’s see how they do today. How do you feel R.E.R.?”
CoC: Pretty good, Guy.
“Wonderful! Before I tell you what you’ll be doing today, I want to ask, if you win, what will you be doing with this incredibly large prize?”
TT: We decided to sell it to the highest bidder, I imagine that it’ll fetch a pretty good price, don’t ya think?
“I’m sure it will, what about you, Company of Caelestis?
CoC: In all honesty, we just want to look at it and probably show it to other people.
“Well to each his own, eh? Bobby, why don’t you tell our contestants what the task will be today?”
Bobby: Certainly Guy! Each team will be given one size-ten sewing needle donated by one of our values sponsors, Mom’s Sewing, located in Matt Cook’s mom’s sewing room. You rip it, she’ll sew it.
In addition to the needle, each team will also be given a rather large Dromedary Camel (watch out, they spit). The object of today’s episode is rather simple. Take your camel and make it go through the eye of your needle! Regardless of how the game turns out today, the teams will be allowed to keep their camels (the needles, however, need to be returned before Matt’s mom finds out they are missing). Back to you, Guy!
“Thanks Bobby! Alright teams, you have your assignments, now get to your bases and get those camels through those needles!”
TT: Okay guys, I’ve got a plan. What we’ll do is pluck every single bit of hair off of this camel and put them all through the eye of the needle one at a time. I figure a bald camel is not much of a camel at all because the camel-ness of a camel is the camel hair, right? So once we get the hair of this camel through the eye of this needle, that pearl is as good as ours. What do ya say? Tony, start with the head and work down. Bill, you start with feet and work up. Me, I’ll watch and warn you if the camel looks like he’s going spit.
CoC: Hmm, this seems a little tough, but we have to get that pearl…Now, we all know that it’s impossible to get a camel through the eye of a needle. There is absolutely no way that a camel could possibly get himself through this needle. But, perhaps if the camel ceased to be a camel there would be a way. I have an idea. What we’ll do is get a vat of sulfuric acid (I happen to have one in my trunk) and we’ll melt the camel down to it most basic elements. When the camel is fully liquefied, we’ll squirt him through the eye of the needle. He’ll never be the same, but at least he’ll be through.
*Three days later*
“Alright, your time is up! Let’s see how our contestants did! Team Terrarum, how did you do?”
TT: Great! We got the whole camel through!
“You did? But what’s that standing behind you?”
TT: What? Where?
“Right behind you, that large naked camel.”
TT: ‘Tisn’t a camel.
“Well what is it then?”
TT: It’s a…horse. Yes, that’s it, a horse.
TT: You see, when we removed all the hair from the Camel (a rather difficult task) the animal ceased to be a camel. We figure it’s a horse now. And we wouldn’t want to break the rules by trying to put a horse through the eye of a needle now would we?
“But I think it’s still a camel.”
TT: No it isn’t.
“But it is! It still does the things that camels do. It spits, it has a hunt, I’d wager that it still has camel DNA in it’s blood. I really don’t think this mound of hair beside your needle counts. We’ll leave that to the judges for now. What about you, the team formerly known as R.E.R.? How did you do? Where’s your camel and what’s with that vat of goo beside your needle?”
CoC: That’s our camel.
CoC: You see, we realized that there was no way a camel could ever get himself through the eye of a needle in his present form. Only from changing the camel into something totally different could we get him through. You see, that puddle of goo can no longer rightly be called a camel, it doesn’t fit the requirements of a camel. It doesn’t do camel things, it doesn’t desire what camels desire. It’s something totally different now. Now it fulfills all the requirements of something that can easily fit through the eye of a needle.
“… You melted my camel?”
CoC: You said we could keep him!
“That’s true…I do hope no-one from the humane society is watching today.”
CoC: But we did do it, didn’t we? We got the camel through the eye of the needle, didn’t we?
“That you did, that you did. Congratulations, Company of Caelestis, you have won the Ultimate grand prize! I’m sorry Team Terrarum, but the judges have just finished a DNA test on your…horse. As it turns out it’s a camel, although it seems a little bit more irate than most of the camels I’ve met. Better luck next on Popular Game Show!”
*No camels were injured, plucked or liquefied in the posting of this blog.