Matt W Cook

The authors sat for a long while in a defensive position, erasers in hand, until one of them realized that the addition of a gnat might solve the entire problem. He inserted the gnat on the western hemisphere of the Giant Head (which should probably be known simply as GH, or Big G, or something of that ilk) and gave it the dual personality of a distraught pterodactyl who has just learned all of her young were killed and a Camptosaurus who was responsible for this killing. No joke here folks, look it up on wikipedia. The Camptosaurus exists! I believe it was camping out under a massive rock spire, until mom went for her usual morning flight. Beware the Camptosaurus! In any case, this gnat (who actually has a bone structure similar to the Camptosaurus and the flighty desires of a pterodactyl) began leaping about on the world which was Big G’s head. Indeed Campy was really irritating the two characters of this beloved story to such a point that they decided it would be best for Shan to jump on Big G’s head, and hunt him with the plunger. Shan chased Campy for an hour until…

I decided to take a break from the normal writing and see what a video blog looks like. So here’s my response to number eleven

9) Christianity has a morbid, unhealthy preoccupation with sex.

10) Christianity produces sexual misery.

To answer these I’ve decided to unpack a little about the Christian view of sex. Here are the points I want to deal with:

• It is good.
• It is meant for enjoyment as well as procreation.
• Committed, never casual. Hence marriage.
• One partner.
• Between man and woman only.
• It is not a matter of state.

Sex is a good thing. God made it. Humans could have been made to reproduce in any number of different, easier ways, but God invented sex. Let’s get this fact clear right from the start. In the Christian worldview sex is not a bad thing. It is inherently good and holy and sacred. It has its place, and when used outside its place it becomes a dangerous, hurtful thing, but when in its place it is beautiful and God-glorifying.

A casual reading of the Song of Solomon shows that sex and sexuality is not solely meant for procreation. Many conservative scholars believe that the Song is a picture of Christ, primarily. I disagree. While it is true that the relationship between Christ and the Church is sometimes pictured as a marriage, it is never pictured as erotic. Eroticism has not place in the relationship between Christ and the Church. But this Song is all erotic. So I think it’s about a man and a woman and their loving and sensual relationship. This Song makes it clear that one of the purposes of sex is for enjoyment.

Like many things that are both good and fun, sex has been abused. It was meant to be an expression of the love a man shares with a woman. Today, in most places of the world, it is now a fun pass-time. Sex was never meant to be casual. Our sexual desires have been perverted. Some people would claim that monogamy is an unnatural thing and our sexual drives are made so that we can increase our population. But that makes little sense to me because if a man was to indulge his sexual desires whenever they hit then he would produce a small village of babies in very little time. This massive over-population would be destructive to our species. It seems to me that sex, for the vast majority of animals, is only for procreation, but for us it’s different. Men naturally desire sex with many women, not because of their natural procreation instinct, but because their sexual drive has been screwed up. Sex is a solemn, holy thing and it is best within marriage, where it is coupled with love and respect and intimacy. I have heard people complain that monogamy is a boring thing. But they fail to realize that the more you get to know and love and understand and commit to a person the better sex becomes. Marriage provides that matrix for sex.

The Bible is clear that sex is only between a man and a woman. Paul, in Romans, says that homosexuality is a perversion of the sexual drive. There is really no getting around it. If you believe to Bible to be what it claims to be you need to admit that homosexuality is a sin. Now, I do not believe that a man with homosexual desires can just ‘turn it off’. Many people say that the homosexual drive is just something that people are born with, and I think I agree. Just like some people are born with a short temper. But just because someone is born with it does not make it right. A homosexual man who comes to Christ will have to fight the same battles as a man born with a bad temper. He will have to fight against the inborn impulses of his body. A homosexual is no more a sinner than anyone else.

Christianity was never meant to be a state religion. I do not think we should try to legislate the moral guidelines of our faith in a secular culture. Homosexuality and promiscuous sex was rampant at the time of Paul, but he never suggested that we picket and protest. He just made it clear that those things were not proper for followers of Christ.

So that’s my response to 9 and 10. I believe the Christian view of sex does not lead to sexual misery but to fulfillment. What sort of sex life sounds more fulfilling? Where all of your sexual energy is channeled through the one person you love and respect more than anyone in life, when you keep yourself for that one person and know that she does the same for you? Or where you just follow the whims of your body and bounce from partner to partner. Think about this: if you obeyed your other ‘natural’ urges whenever they popped up would you be better off or worse? Our natural urges can never be used as an absolute guide because they are fallible. I think that even if I were not a Christian I would still consider sex to be a thing that should be reserved for one partner, because it seems that it was made to be that way.

As anyone with a disproportionately large head knows, someone who laughs at your large melon is a real pain in the neck (pun intended). So this massive head with a tiny stalk of a body was quickly filled with rage. He tried to rush up to Shan and smack him in the face, but his tiny arms couldn’t reach him. He tried kicking, but it had the same effect. Shan watched all this and laughed all the louder. Finally the Big Giant Head (for that was his name) got an idea that actually could cause some damage. He pulled about a pound of phlegm from the back of his throat and spat on Shan.

Shan was struck and stuck to the ground. The mucusy goo acted as an adhesive and itched horribly. It was pretty gross.
“Oh big giant head man!” He called out. “Your forgiveness I implore! It wasn’t my fault about the bleach!”
“I saw you open the bottle and pour it out!” Said the angry head. “Who’s fault could it have been if not yours?”
“It was the authors, I swear it. I never wanted to do that. I think that the uncreative fool couldn’t think of anything that actually fit with my character so he didn’t bother thinking about it at all and made me dump the bleach and left the mess to the next author. I swear I didn’t mean to.”
“Who are these authors you speak of?” Asked the head.
“Men, three men who delight in tormenting me. I know not where they come from nor why they pull my strings, but they are the source of all my ailments and struggles in life. Cursed authors!” Shan spat.
“My, my, my.” Said the head. “This is a sad story of yours. These author-folks certainly sound like villains. We should put a stop to their madness before you pour more bleach on someone.”
“So take my hand, dear head, and travel with me. Together we will find the three authors and kick their combined asses.”

The moment he dumped the liquid however, Shan recoiled in horror. What on earth was he doing? Everybody knows that the eye is one of the more sensitive places on the body and to pour an entire bottle of corrosive liquid on one could only lead to more severe consequences.

And sure enough, before Shan could even eek out an apology to the eye, a soul-obliterating roar erupted from the ground under his feet. The ground began to shake and tremble and Shan did the only thing that one could do under the circumstance, namely, run in wild circles while waving his plunger towards the heavens, hoping against hope that some distant god would see him and grant him the ability to wield the forces of lighting.

But it turns out that the lighting god was out running an errand at that moment and Shan succeded only in alerting the god of unfortunate accidents, who placed a root directly where he was running. And so he lay there in the dirt, whimpering to himself as the gigantic head began to emerge from the topsoil.

However, the head appeared to be the only thing that had emerged. Oh it was an imposing head to be sure, at least 30 feet across and covered in mud, but it was just that, a head, and seldom do people become injured by disembodied heads. I’m sure they do sometimes, but for this to happen, the head would have to be able to spit venom or posess the ability to shoot laser beams from their eyes. . .this particular giant was unable to do either.

So Shan stood there marvelling as the giant head spluttered out obcenities in his general direction. Now, instead of being scared, he was becoming increasingly interested and eventully decided to have a walk around the head to see if he could find a body to go with it.

As he paced around to the rear of the head, Shan saw something that made him suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. The head indeed had a body. . .but it was no more than 4 feet tall!

“I see.” Said Shan, affording himself a little chuckle. “I know how you feel.” He chuckled again. “I see you.” He was doubled over now, laughing hysterically. The two eyes made massive and impatient rolls.

After about five minutes Shan was himself again, though it would have been better if he were someone else. He stood and looked at the two massive eyes and tried to figure out what to do. He noticed that the eye he had uncovered was a little dirty, so he took out the small bottle of bleach he kept with him.

Suddenly the power in the author’s house went out. Knowing there was little time left the author caused Shan to dump his bleach on the dirty eye and save his work, lest his less-than-competent batteries die.

7) Christianity is cruel

The man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself. – Proverbs 11:17

The cruelty of Christians is no more proof against the validity of Christianity than Hitler’s actions prove Germans are cruel. Those who killed and tortured in the name of Christ were not actually doing it in his name. Because his name and his character are completely against cruelty. He is meek and mild, a gentle master. The main characteristic of Christianity is love, regardless of what people did years ago or how many misguided people do cruel things in its name. The normal practice of Christianity is messed up; this much is true. But Christ is still too great a treasure to be abandoned.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

8) Christianity is anti-intellectual, anti-scientific

The author seems to think that dangerous superstitions a thousand years ago existed only within the Christian world. This is not true. Every people group of that time had superstitions that cost people lives. Think of Aztec human sacrifice as one example. No one calls the Brazilians cruel today because of what the people in that country did a thousand years ago.

Every high school science student learns important characteristics of scientific knowledge. Scientific knowledge is tentative (always subject to change based on new observations), limited (science cannot study all things like the perception of beauty or metaphysical truths), and based on observation. Knowing this about scientific knowledge I maintain that there is no contradiction between the faith of Christ and science. The author claims that the Bible speaks of scientifically impossible things happening, like the dead being raised. But according to science nothing can be proved impossible unless every entity and influence of a system is controlled or, at least, accurately measured. Science has never claimed to hold all the secrets of the universe because that simply goes outside of scientific purpose. Science is based on observation and some things are not observable. It is not scientifically impossible for a dead man to be brought back to life. Just scientifically confusing. Science cannot see what would bring a dead body to life, but that lack of knowledge does not force science to declare it impossible. Can the dead be raised? Can water be turned into wine? Can five loaves feed an army? Only by a force that we have no scientific knowledge about. And science cannot deny the existence of such a force.