I used to be sad, pretty much all the time. If you know me, you might think I’m lying. I get a lot of energy from other people so I always seem to present as a cheerful, outgoing, happy happy chap. But at night everything would change. I used to cry myself to sleep. Kinda weird, eh? Fully grown dude writhing in sadness in his bed, hoping that his roommate across the room doesn’t notice.
It got better, but not until it got a lot worse first.
But then it got better. I fixed it. Almost completely. It took time and sacrifice, but it got better. So much better than when the sadness creeps back, it’s a surprise. And it never stays for long. It’s lost its heart.
For me, the key was honesty. With myself.
Most of us have delusions. And when we’re really, really honest with ourselves, we can identify those delusions. No big deal, for a lot of people. But if you’re like me, those delusions will subtly suck your life away. They’ll kill your heart because your heart knows that they are not true.
I’m no doctor. I have no idea what causes clinical depression. But I know that I used to be very sad most of the time. And I know that now I’m very happy most of the time. And the only difference in my life between then and now is that I am honest and free and mindful. And the only times the dark comes back is when I lose my honesty, freedom and mindfulness.
** Read the previous chapter here **
A sharp snap and I woke up. Raging noise everywhere, all around, tumbling, screaming.
I grabbed hold of a firm object nearby. Whatever it was it fit perfectly into my hands. I braced myself against the tumult. Waves of angry salt water crashed over me. I held tight and closed my eyes against it. Water leaked into my mouth. It tasted good.
The storm raged on and the shock of coming awake to it wore off. I started to stand, still clutching the Firm Object. It had eroded a bit since the storm had begun, but it seemed to have firmed up again. The waters pressed against me, and I found myself pressing back on them as I widened my stance and turned my face away from the waves.
My neck began to ache and I was forced to face the storm. The Firm Object shifted as I faced forward, and I thought I was going to lose it. But then it became Firm again and I felt safe. I was surprised at the way the water felt, flowing over and past my face. It did not sting, but warmed and massaged me with its raging furor. At one point I gasped, and the waters that filled my mouth did not choke me.
I was standing tall now. I opened my eyes and the water stung for a moment, and then became soothing. I took a step forward. I don’t know if I stopped holding the Firm Object or if it eroded away in my hands. I never looked back to see what it had been.
I walked through the storm. Either it was dying away or I was growing used to it. I could see where I was now and I remembered. I had been by a dumpster, licking my wounds after failing to rescue my fairy queen, Sume el Raj. I must have fallen asleep or gone into a daze. I looked up at the sky. The clouds were thinning along with the rain and I could see sunlight coming through. I must have been by the dumpster all night.
The storm, while leaving me unharmed and rather invigorated, had wreaked havoc on the town. Wide fractures yawned up in the road, making walking tedious and driving impossible. The apartment buildings were all windowless and chucks of steel and stone were bitten out all over their sides and corners, showing the skeletal walls within. The townspeople didn’t seem to notice. They have firm hearts, I suppose. Children still played on the streets, leaping over wide crevasses and making me shudder. Adults still pressed their dying automobiles along, making ridiculous maneuvers to avoid the most dangerous fractures. It was stressful to watch them. I avoided the roads and walked toward the cistern.
It had flooded, of course. I couldn’t see the Man in the centre or his victim. I wondered if they had drowned. I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore. They were just part of a dream I was having. But the devotees were still there. I was shocked to see that many seemed to be drowning. I ran down the hill and waded out into the fetid water. It had grown worse in the storm, and even in the now brightly shining sunlight it seemed dark and icy and filthy. All the spoiled things of the town seemed to have washed in.
I drew near to a man I knew and reached out my hand to pull him to safety. He floundered and glared at me, coughing up water. I thought he was struggling to reach out to me, so I took his hand and pulled. He gave an angry cough and pushed back, splashing some of that water on my face. It burned and the refreshment from the storm was spoiled.
“Grab hold, man!” I called to him. “I’ll pull you out.”
The man forced himself to tread water harder so he could speak to me.
“Idiot,” he coughed. “Why would I leave? This place is awesome.” He gave me an angry patronizing look and pushed himself into even deeper water. Every time I tried to reach out to someone, they pushed back against me, some angry and some so very sad that I had disturbed them. The sun was beginning to set, it seemed, and eventually I just left them.
I didn’t know where to go, but I knew I would soon leave the town. I looked back toward the open eastern gate, the gate everyone entered when this story began. The endless desert was beyond that. There was nothing there, for me or anyone. I put my back toward it and walked west. I past through interesting and pretty places as I went west. Parts of the town that I had not known existed. Other buildings and other cisterns. Some of the cisterns were tiny and looked almost perfectly clean when the sun hit them in a certain way. Others were large and some were even dirtier than the one I had come from. Others were old and many were almost completely abandoned. But all cisterns, only cisterns. And I had lost all taste for cisterns or even fountains. I still felt the taste of the Stormlight on my mouth.
I came to a wall. A tall wall made of brick so old it looked like natural rock. I glanced behind myself one more time and took in the scope of the massive, beautiful, psychopathic town. I waved at it, at everyone, at no one.
I climbed the wall, and dropped out of sight.
Beyond the wall, I follow the sun and learn to keep up with it.
Beyond the wall, I see wonderful things.
Stories are great because they let us have different and awesome human experiences.
Fun is the only reason to do anything. Even work. You work for money. Money is used for fun. Enough money for fun is enough money.
The funnest thing ever is being mindful about every moment as it passes through you.
My wife is the only one I ever could have been with. If I had been with anyone else I would not have grown and I wouldn’t have been having so much fun.
Gatsby’s mistake was trying to relive the awesome moments of the past. He should have been looking for awesome in the future. Or, better, in the present.
Nick Carraway didn’t get it.
I love you.
Portal 2 might be the most perfect video game ever.
All the atoms in my body were created at the beginning of time and have existed for billions of years and have made up galaxies and stars and planets and vegetation and animals and food and the countless generations of mankind. And so were yours. We’re so related it’s scary, and I don’t even know your language.
Their is a chemical that your brain whenever a cherished idea is attacked. It modifies your thought process so you are less likely to acknowledge any reasoning that might harm your cherished idea. But you probably don’t believe that.
Sometimes I think so much about the mystery of existence that I get frightened. And I still laugh at fart jokes.
I am free.
There is no reason not to be free.
My niece and my grandmother both died very recently. The youngest and oldest members of the Cook family.
When a baby dies, the pain is harsh and visceral and immediate. There is an unnatural flavour to it. We are not wired to easily accept death in the generation below us.
When a grandmother dies, the loss is more spread out. The end of an era. It’s like having the house you’ve lived in all your life torn down over your head.
Things touch me in strange ways. The way the funeral home is now a familiar place. The way my niece’s death struck me when I noticed the shoes her body wore in the tiny coffin. The way my grandmother’s voice floated to me while the congregation sang old hymns I grew up with. The shifting, uncertain way I approached the pulpit to give my words at both funerals. The scent of flowers, beautiful and arranged with love, giving a sense of life and renewal, even though they also were cut and would not live long. The carrying of my grandmother’s coffin up and down the same stairs we used to carry her up and down when she went to church, laughing with her as we went and joked about how heavy her wheelchair was.
Memories of my grandmother. How she gave us all Swiss Army Knives one Christmas, and we went home bleeding and grinning. How her little white house on Spruceside Crescent as a sort of second home—a safe and warm place full of people and food and a kind of freedom that only grandparents can give. The message she whispered as I laid her coffin down atop that deep, deep grave: “I lived well. I loved freely. I laughed loudly. I made my home an open place, devoted to the making of peace and pies. I trusted my grandchildren enough to give them knives for Christmas and I didn’t freak out when they cut themselves on them. Remember my whole life, not just the last years since my stroke. It’s not the last words or acts that matter. It’s the whole thing.”
The spark of light buried deep in the shock of my niece’s death. The vibrant life that shone in her for six months, no less full for the quickness in which they were spent. The focused and determined play my daughter had with her during the short time I was blessed to visit with her. The serious depth that struck my son when he heard of it, took her photo off the fridge and cried as he held it—overcome with emotion at the age of seven. The message that she whispered to me as I stood in the funeral home and stared at her shoes: “I lived well. I never learned to waste life on things that gave me no joy. I never learned to give up on my dreams. I never learned cynicism or how to be judgmental. I spent my short and beautiful life clinging to the people who loved me and letting them cling back to me. I left the world undefeated by it—something very few people can say.”
I have a deep and uncompromising contempt for death. It is legitimate and true, I suppose, to view death as a doorway to the next grand adventure. But that does not overcome the deep, visceral view that lives in each of us—death is a tragic and evil thing. Death is the first and universal enemy of mankind. And even if I look at death as a portal to another, better world, it is still my enemy. It is still something that I will not enter willingly. I will still rage, rage against the dying of the light. And I will lose. Death will take me, though not quietly.
But my grandmother Frances and my niece Temia remind me that the best way to spit in the face of death is not to fight it when it comes near, but to live while I’m alive. Like they did.
I miss you, Grandma. My memories of you bleed together, making my stories a sort of collage that only I can fully understand. You were a pillar and a foundation. My life is missing something without you in it.
I miss you, Temia. The light in your eyes and the authentic smile on your lips. The way you look either curious or excited in nearly every photo I look at. You are an inspiration and I long to have some of that light and curiosity and excitement.
You both touched me in a deep place. I’m sad you’re gone. Thank you both for being awesome.
Ah, December, the season when Christians post snarky things to Facebook letting everyone know that they’ll be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ this month instead of Happy Holidays, thus ignoring Christmas Eve, St. Stephen’s Day, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s, Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe and Epiphany.
It’s not a war on Christmas, friends. It’s just the inconvenience of having a solstice for your culture’s favorite holiday.
It’s not a war on Christmas, friends. And even if it was, it really doesn’t matter. Or, at least it shouldn’t matter. At least not to Christians.
One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. – Paul of Tarsus
It’s not a war on Christmas, friends. Not with 77% of Canadians identifying as Christians. Hard to play the persecuted card when only 23% of the people are the evil oppressors.
So whatever holidays you plan to celebrate this season, may they be happy and fill your with the warm joy of being alive and a part of this amazing brotherhood of humanity.
Peace on Earth. Goodwill to all.
I discovered the universe the other day. Ever been there?
Strange place, that. Full of tricks and lights. Flashing about with them teeth. With them claws.
“With them eyes?”
No, not with them eyes. I got the eyes. And the ears and the lips and the hands for touching and the tongue for tasting. That’s why I discovered the universe, not the other way around.
“What was it like?”
Son, it was like this.
I opened my eyes, and the universe fed me with photons. Some were salty. Some were sweet. Some were loud and shaking. Some were tiny and secretive.
I opened my ears, and the universe showed me her vibrations. Her churning and her pulsating. Her rhythmic, sexual dances that pulled and pushed on the drums within my head.
I opened my mouth and the universe cradled me like a child at the breast. The fruits of the earth, made from the same stuff as I. The fruits of the earth, slowly becoming I.
I opened my hands and caressed the universe, digging deep in the brown earth. Massaging the white clouds. Pushing at the crystal-clear waters.
I opened my nose and I drank the scents that flew off of the universe’s body. The harshness of fire smoke. The gentleness of lavender and sandal.
And then I opened my soul. And she spoke to me.
“What did she say to you?”
Are you awake?
“And what did you say back to her?”
I think I am.
John Calvin was a hero, they told me. I didn’t argue. It wasn’t my place to argue. It was my place to listen. And so John Calvin was a hero.
He was clever, you see. A pioneer of sorts. One of the first and brightest to read the Book the way they told me it was meant to be read. He was a hero. Like Martin Luther.
It bothered me that he killed a man, though. Bothered me that he thought folks who disagreed with him ought to die. But he was a product of his culture. He can’t be fully blamed. He just used worldly weapons in a spiritual war. When you put it that way, it doesn’t seem like that big a deal.
Though I bet Michael Servitus thought it was a big deal.
And, sure, Martin Luther was a misogynist and anti-semite. Well, he was a product of his culture, too. Can’t be too harsh on him. Or on Jonathan Edwards for his owning of slaves for that matter. Products of their culture. Innocent, in their own ways. Heroes still, I suppose.
Mother Theresa, on the other hand, was not a hero, they said. Sure she poured herself out for the ‘least of these’. Sure she inspired millions and eased the sufferings of countless invisible people. But she was the wrong kind of Christian. Roman Catholic. Damned. In hell, despite her service. That’s what they said.
Gandhi is another one who isn’t a hero. Sure, he championed non-violent resistance against the forces of evil. Sure, he fought against oppression and violence without resorting to violence and oppression. But, like Theresa, he was one of ‘them’, not ‘us’. Hindu. Blind. Damned and in hell, despite his service. That’s what they said.
Is it any wonder?
Is it any wonder they talk about us like they do?
Is it any wonder I felt the need to [………]?
We forgive the murderers and slave owners because they thought like we do.
We condemn the compassionate souls because of a rosary and a dash of vermillion upon the forehead.
John Calvin was a hero, they told me. I didn’t argue. It wasn’t my place to argue. It was my place to listen. And so John Calvin was a hero.
He was clever, you see. A pioneer of sorts. One of the first and brightest to read the Book the way they told me it was meant to be read. He was a hero. Like Martin Luther.
It bothered me that he killed a man, though. Bothered me that he thought folks who disagreed with him ought to die. But he was a product of his culture. He can’t be fully blamed. He just used worldly weapons in a spiritual war. When you put it that way, it doesn’t seem like that big a deal.
Though I bet Michael Servitus thought it was a big deal.
And, sure, Martin Luther was a misogynist and anti-semite. Well, he was a product of his culture, too. Can’t be too harsh on him. Or on Jonathan Edwards for his owning of slaves for that matter. Products of their culture. Innocent, in their own ways. Heroes still, I suppose.
Mother Theresa, on the other hand, was not a hero, they said. Sure she poured herself out for the ‘least of these’. Sure she inspired millions and eased the sufferings of countless invisible people. But she was the wrong kind of Christian. Roman Catholic. Damned. In hell, despite her service. That’s what they said.
Gandhi is another one who isn’t a hero. Sure, he championed non-violent resistance against the forces of evil. Sure, he fought against oppression and violence without resorting to violence and oppression. But, like Theresa, he was one of ‘them’, not ‘us’. Hindu. Blind. Damned and in hell, despite his service. That’s what they said.
Is it any wonder?
Is it any wonder they talk about us like they do?
Is it any wonder I felt the need to [………]?
We forgive the murderers and slave owners because they thought like we do.
We condemn the compassionate souls because of a rosary and a dash of vermillion upon the forehead.