Have I Ever Talked about Depression?

by MW Cook

I used to be sad, pretty much all the time.  If you know me, you might think I’m lying.  I get a lot of energy from other people so I always seem to present as a cheerful, outgoing, happy happy chap.  But at night everything would change.  I used to cry myself to sleep.  Kinda weird, eh?  Fully grown dude writhing in sadness in his bed, hoping that his roommate across the room doesn’t notice.

It got better, but not until it got a lot worse first.

But then it got better.  I fixed it.  Almost completely.  It took time and sacrifice, but it got better.  So much better than when the sadness creeps back, it’s a surprise.  And it never stays for long.  It’s lost its heart.

For me, the key was honesty.  With myself.

Most of us have delusions.  And when we’re really, really honest with ourselves, we can identify those delusions.  No big deal, for a lot of people.  But if you’re like me, those delusions will subtly suck your life away.  They’ll kill your heart because your heart knows that they are not true.

I’m no doctor.  I have no idea what causes clinical depression.  But I know that I used to be very sad most of the time.  And I know that now I’m very happy most of the time.  And the only difference in my life between then and now is that I am honest and free and mindful.  And the only times the dark comes back is when I lose my honesty, freedom and mindfulness.