In the dark, but not alone

Do you know what to do when it hits you?

When my dreams are large but I can’t pull them off. When I feel the desire throb within me like a wound. When it aches and spreads through my chest into my head. When I want it so bad I feel like I’ll die without it. And then, when the pain is at its height, I try to get up and fulfill the dream, but I cannot. Do you know that feeling? When you could do it – for there’s nothing really in your way – but you cannot? Your heart dies as you approach your dream and suddenly all the pain of desire turns on its head and becomes a pain of revulsion. Resistance. Anger. And then you sit back down and you wonder to yourself – “Do I hate my dream? I thought I loved it.” And you cannot tell what is wrong. And you cannot understand the depth of how screwed up you must be to passionately love and hate the same thing at the same time. Do you know that feeling? Have you felt that? Do you know what to do when it comes upon you?

I think that’s the time when it’s best to find somewhere dark and quiet, and pray.

And it helps, y’know. It actually helps.