Matt W Cook

     She was the best writer in the world. Susan Less. Sue, to her friends. Never heard of her? That’s a shame. Because she was the best. Like, mind-bogglingly greater than any writer you’ve ever read. She would have made Stephen King look like Dr. Suess. She would have made Dr. Suess look like Spongebob. She would have made Spongebob look like … well, I guess it’s not hard to make Spongebob seem trite.
     You like Dickens? Austen? Twain? Their plots and characters would have looked as shallow as Dan Brown’s compared to Sue’s. And you want deep and hidden meanings? Yann Martel would have seemed preachy and infantile next to the gems Sue would have laid out for you. In fact, after reading one of Sue’s books, you would instantly be morphed into a newer, better person. Your eyes would be opened. Reading one of her books would, I imagine, be like beholding the face of God, watching him smile and say to you ‘Finally, my favorite child has come home.’ Yep. That good.
     What, you’re skeptical? You don’t believe me? You’re checking her out on the Internet now and can’t seem to find were bibliography? Let me prove her worth to you.
     They say the average person has a vocabulary of 4000 words. Shakespeare have something like 29,000. Slick, eh? Well Sue Less blows them out of the water. She knows at least 100,000 words! That’s right, there are English words out there that only she knows! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
     And they say the best writers are prolific readers. So Sue rises again to the top. I can say with 100% certainty and no fear of hyperbole that she has read more books than every English-speaker put together! Boom!
     And as to the writing craft itself, she listens to every podcast, reads every blog and attend every single writing conference. The money she has spent on conferences, writing workshops and books numbers in the hundreds of thousands. No one has spend more resources on the craft than Sue.
     So there you go! I think I’ve made my point. It’s obvious that she is the best out there. Who else has such a deep, intricate knowledge of language and stories and style? No one. That’s who.
     I can’t wait until she finally writes something. Surely once she does, the world will be changed forever. Surely peace will come. Surely we shall all be forever changed and our hearts will turn to gold.
     Surely.