The Bestest Newest Product on the Market!
by MW Cook
If you’re like me you’ve had your special moments of frustration with that best of Books. Maybe you accidentally found yourself in James or one of the synoptic Gospels and you read something that did not in any easy way seem to mesh with good, old-fashioned Evangelical theology. If you were a good Christian you had an evangelical study Bible that tried to help neuter the offending passage, but deep down inside you could feel something was still off. Some voice inside told you that when you interpret something in a way that negates everything that was spoken, it’s bad somehow.
Well not to worry for I have found an answer that will save fundamental evangelicalism from its current state of decline! Forget having a study Bible to merely explain away the anti-evangelical things that some Apostles say! Say hello to the brand-new Theological Conformity Bible!
No longer will we be embarrassed about lines from the Apostles who hadn’t read the Pauline Epistles nearly enough. See how the TCB renders these verses:
Hebrews 6:1 – “Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity in sounding and defining the depths of eschatology, unpacking deep Trinitarian doctrine and word studies about how ‘World’ doesn’t always mean ‘World’.”
1 Peter 1:17 – “And if you call on him as Father who judges impartially according to each one’s doctrine, conduct yourselves with confidence during your time of exile, because your doctrine is probably right.”
James 2:24 – “You see that a man is justified by works, and not by faith alone (Ha! Just kidding guys!)”
And, of course, it’s not just the Apostles, but Jesus himself has uttered some words that, at first glance, do not really line up with an evangelical way of thinking. But with a few innocent tweaks we can make it all fit nicely:
Luke 18:18-25 – “And a ruler asked him, ‘Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?’ And Jesus said to him, ‘Pray this prayer with me: God, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I deserve the consequences of my sin. However, I am trusting in Jesus Christ as my Savior. I believe that His death and resurrection provided for my forgiveness. I trust in Jesus and Jesus alone as my personal Savior. Thank you Lord, for saving me and forgiving me! Amen!”
Matthew 7:12 -“So be sure to spend a lot of time reading your Bible and going to church and listening to sermons, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
John 14:28 – “If you had loved me you would have rejoiced, because I am going to the Father, for the Father is co-equal and co-eternal with me and the Holy Spirit.”
Matthew 22:36-50 – “‘Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ And he said to him, ‘You shall get the doctrines of the Trinity, atonement, eternal state and end times right. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: You will make sure your neighbour gets them right, too. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.'”
Matthew 25:31-46 – “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep form the goats. And the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For you accepted Jesus as your personal savior and said a prayer to that effect. You held the doctrine your preachers preached and maintained an unquestioningly evangelical outlook on life. You are orthodox in your views on hell, the end times and the Trinity.’ Then the righteous will say, ‘Hurray! We knew it would be like this!’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For your prayer of conversion did not mention substitutional atonement and you questioned aspects of evangelical theology. Your views on hell, the end times and the Trinity were a little off as well.’ Then they will also answer and say, ‘Nuts.'”
I anticipate this new Bible being a great hit. To order your own copy, please call 1-800-485-3787.
Matt W Cook 
I don’t even know what to say, except that this post, dripping with sarcasm, makes me very sad.
I know. There’s no sarcasm in the Bible pointing out the emphasis in the wrong places. And historical men of the faith like Luther, Calvin, Wesley and Spurgeon NEVER used facetious language. Gosh Matt, watch yourself.
It’s one thing to quote the sarcasm of the Bible or Luther or Calvin or whoever. Or even to use sarcasm in your own writings. Go for it!
But when you use sarcasm that wasn’t there in the original Bible, and write your own “translation” to use as a way of mocking other believers (even in fun), that’s a sad thing.
We would never mock people of other religions (at least, I hope not). Why is is okay to mock the brothers and sisters that we’re going to spend eternity with? I don’t think it is.
We’re supposed to be encouraging and exhorting each other, and usually
your posts do this in a thought-provoking way.
There are lots of ways to provoke thoughtfulness and change in people’s hearts. Your posts have the ability to do that. But not when they make fun of a generation of evangelical believers that are merely the product of their teachers (misguided though they may be in some areas), and are honestly trying to follow Jesus to the best of their ability. We ALL have areas where we’re still growing. Our kids will look at us and have lots of areas to point out where we’re not consistent either….
Love and grace go farther than sarcasm. Hands down.
*shrug*
I figure Jesus used sarcasm against people in his own religion. I don’t feel bad about using it. :)
Besides, I really wanted to do this because I feel like these verses are ACTUALLY twisted to mean it the way I wrote it. Which is ridiculous. Which is why I ridicule.
So what would be the goal of ridiculing these groups of people that are our brothers and sisters in the faith? And how do you think this post would accomplish that goal? Just wondering.
To point out the ridiculous. Isn’t that why Driscoll mocks liberals and not-so-masculine men and everyone else he ridicules?
If something is ridiculous, it needs to be ridiculed.