Unapologetic
by MW Cook
Have you ever been here before? Your kid is on the playground, having a blast with the other urchins (not sea urchins, mind you – they are not for children). Something happens. Someone gets hurt. Someone’s in trouble. A child goes to complain to his mother and, the next thing you know, you are in an awkward situation where a parent is telling you that your child has done wrong and something needs to be done about it.
And what is expected of a parent at this point? A stern look married with stern words. Perhaps some sort of disciplinary measure. And, the most important thing of all, an apology from the offending child to the crybaby offended child.
And that is where everything, for me, falls apart. Because I am a rogue parent. I commit a great sin whenever my child does something he oughtn’t. I never, ever force him to claim he is sorry for something he has done.
Do you think that’s dumb of me? Hear me out first.
- When I force my child to ‘say sorry’, 95% of the time I’m telling him to lie. He’s not really sorry. In the heat of the situation he doesn’t care much about the offended sensibilities of the other kid or the angry mother.
- When I force my child to ‘say sorry’, I devalue the entire idea of regret and remorse. It means nothing if it can be forced out of you.
- When I force my child to ‘say sorry’, I am teaching him that saying certain words will get him out of a bad situation.
- When I force my child to ‘say sorry’, I am robbing him of the inhibitions that we all have to keep us from doing things artificial.
- When I force my child to ‘say sorry’, I am dancing to the beat of another parent’s drum. I care more about getting our of an awkward situation than about my own child’s development.
My kids don’t say sorry nearly as often as others, it’s true. But that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. Because when Joe, having done something wrong, comes up to me and says “Papa, please forgive me” (and, yes, he actually uses those words!) I can see in his eyes and tone that he is serious. When my son says that he feels remorse and that he is sorry for something, he actually means it. That’s worth a handful of awkward playground experiences, yes?
Matt W Cook 
Good point, Matt. Hadn’t thought about it like that. Do you have your kids say “thank you”?
I think that is a brilliant article. Its funny I noticed that with my friends grown son. He has a habit of not locking the doors to the house. We all live together. He confessed he doesn’t feel the need to lock the door when he goes out. He’s 21 and assumes a lot sadly the world might teach him differently. But when he apologized for doing that you could almost see the eye roll. “I apologize”. I thought very thing. Sorry isn’t a get of jail free card. I wasn’t looking for an apology I was trying to impress on him that this is a bad practice. Your words are very wise.
I actually do have my kids say thank you. I think there is a difference. When I get my kid to say sorry, I’m telling him to lie. When I get him to say thank you I am getting him to verbally reward whoever gave him whatever he got AND (more importantly) the act of thanking often gives birth to true gratitude. And I don’t really know of any other way of encouraging gratitude, y’know? The guilt method of telling someone they are getting good stuff they don’t deserve seems to usually make people resent kindness.
Matt, those are interesting thoughts. I’ve definitely wrestled with whether or not it is right to have children apologize to each other when they have hurt one another (as a teacher). I started with your viewpoint, and didn’t require apologies but found that it created a bad atmosphere in the class with very mean children who were really self-absorbed and unable to see another child’s point of view. I’m not saying your kids are like this, since I’ve never met them. But I do have a few questions about where this leads next, in your thinking:
1. What message does it send to our kids when gratitude is NOT “feelings dependent” but apologies ARE? (And by the way, “Will you forgive me?” is probably even more important than “I’m sorry”. My feelings aren’t important, it’s yours that count, when I’m apologizing to you.)
2. Are children able to sort out their feelings enough to even know how they feel (or should feel) when they’ve clearly hurt someone? Or do they need a guide to help them sort through this and clarify to them when apologies are needed? (From all I’ve seen, kids are naturally unaware because of their ego-centric nature. One of our jobs as parents is to help them see outside themselves, is it not?)
3. As adults, do we apologize because we feel like it OR do we apologize because we’ve wronged someone and only an apology can begin to mend that rift? (In marriage, we wouldn’t get very far if we only apologized when we felt like it, would we??)
4. If you aren’t willing to require an apology from your child, what would be the way you would deal with it? (there, and later at home)
5. How does your response affect your relationship with other parents? Does your response help or hinder your witness in your neighbourhood?
6. How would you respond to a child who smacked your daughter? Would you be likely to go up to the parents and tell them what happened? (Most of us would if we saw our daughter get hit and she was crying…it’s just a natural response….)
As a side note, requiring students to ask for forgiveness was one of the best choices I made as a teacher. To see two hearts melt is incredible. The person asking for forgiveness sees how their actions have hurt someone else and they melt. The person giving forgiveness realizes that their pain has been “heard” and recognized and they melt. Usually it ends in hugs all around, and sometimes even tears.
Of course, I don’t have them say “I’m sorry”. I have them say what they did that was wrong (“Sally, I hit you. That was wrong”.) Then I have them say “Will you forgive me?”
Forgiveness is what we were made for. It strikes a chord, and I think we do our children an injustice if we don’t teach them the skill of giving and receiving forgiveness.
Good thoughts! Here’s some ideas that come to mind when I read your points:
In response to 1) Any apology that is not married to remorse is dishonest, isn’t it? And giving thanks to someone is not the same as saying “I am grateful”. It’s more like a verbal reciprocation. And such a reciprocation often turns into gratitude, and then we all win. So when my child offends I count him a winner when he achieves true remorse, but claiming false remorse, I think, would cloud things.
2) Children are more insightful than we give them credit for, I think. I have seen them express real regret and remorse without prodding. Obviously they need guidance on control and management of their emotions, but I don’t think that forcing shows of remorse does that.
3) We adults have, unfortunately, clouded social interactions to a strange point where we find ourselves forced to lie to make things right. When I have conflict with Ruth we both will refuse to lie to smooth things over. We’ll never saw we are sorry when we are not, just because it’s a lie. It’s not pretty when that happens, but it always leads us right to a pretty place and in the end we don’t need to lie to sort things out.
4) That, of course, brings us into a discussion about discipline and punitive action. And I think that’s a pretty hefty subject and I don’t feel that I know enough about children to speak to what an ideal response is. For us, we generally talk a lot. We used to use corporal punishment but found it failing. A five-year-old seems to be reasonable enough to listen to reason. But, again, this is just FOR US. I will never pretend to know anything about child discipline in general.
5) It doesn’t really affect my relationship with other parents. We have many friends on the playground and the tiny handful who get upset at my children are strangers. And, in the end, I don’t care. My child’s well-being comes before my relationship with other parents. Always.
6) How do I respond? First I fight that fatherly urge to kill the child. Then, generally, I watch. I want to see the situation. Is the other child significantly older than mine? If so, I move in. Are they the same age? If so, I want to see how the situation develops and see if they can handle it themselves. If it gets out of hand I generally bypass the parents altogether and approach the child himself. But it’s all based on the situations. No rules.
But I may just be full of crap! I’ve been doing this for a tiny five years and I haven’t figured out anything yet. These are just some thoughts, nothing rock-hard. Except for the ‘saying sorry’ thing. I’m pretty sure about that part :)
Sorry, the Word doc where I wrote this made it look like I left appropriate spaces, but I didn’t. Read this version instead!! (delete the first one, please!)
Matt, I completely agree that a child (or an adult) shouldn’t lie and say they are sorry when they aren’t.
What I disagree about is the idea that because they aren’t sorry, nothing else needs to be done until they actually feel regret. Children are naturally selfish. If you don’t believe me, ask yourself why it is much easier for your son to FEEL sorry when he hurts you than when he hurts a neighbour kid he hardly knows. There’s a reason for that. He feels sorry when he hurts you because he LOVES you and knows that you love him. So far, he doesn’t feel the need to have that love for someone else he doesn’t know. That’s a natural response (we all tend to be that way), but it isn’t the way we want our children to be as adults. (Think of Russell Williams’ answer to the question “How did you feel about the women you killed?” He shrugged and said, “I didn’t know them.” That is remorselessness at its ultimate and psychopathic end….)
A sensitive heart is something that needs to be taught. In the moment (ie. at the park), I would say that means taking a child aside, away from everything else and explaining to them what they did that was wrong (how it hurt God when they did this, how it hurt you when they did this, how it hurt the other child when they did this), and having them go to ask for forgiveness. Again, not “I’m sorry” but “I did something wrong. Will you forgive me?” I know you don’t necessarily see a huge difference, but there is. Saying “I’m sorry” is all about the offender’s feelings (as if its only wrong because the person suddenly feels remorse, which we know is not the case). Acknowledging that it was wrong to do a particular thing is much more important since sin isn’t a subjective thing based on how the offender feels about it! Saying “Will you forgive me?” is also important because it involves the other kid so they don’t hold a grudge. Most children just want an acknowledgement that they were hurt. They forgive so quickly when that happens. Without it, though, most kids are scared of the child who hurt them, because for all they know, it will happen again soon.
I honestly think this accomplishes a few important things:
-it makes your child aware that you see and hold him/her accountable even for what they do to kids they don’t know
-it teaches them that we don’t just treat those we love well, we treat everyone well
-it sharpens their conscience if they aren’t naturally feeling guilty about hurting another child so hopefully next time, not only will they apologize but they will actually feel sorry about what happened (and even better, eventually, we hope they will stop hurting other kids!)
-it helps them understand how to repair a relationship on a very basic level.“Will you forgive me?”” is one of the most powerful statements we can make.
-it shows parents, your kids and the kids in the park that you stand for justice, even if it’s your child who did something wrong (which is powerful to parents and kids alike)
-it ups your child’s chance for actually developing friendships at the park, as opposed to a reputation of a bully (not that I’m saying he has this, but if there’s a pattern of hurting others without apologizing, kids pick up on that quickly)
Beyond all this, we know that only God can change a child’s heart to become more like His. I’m not advocating that we do the job for God. However, I do think we have a role to play in guiding them to a place where they are ready to listen to God. And I think that starts on the playground.
I hear you and I get that. I can see admitting wrong as being similar to thanking someone for a gift. It’s a nice reciprocation.
I should clarify that even though I never force my child to say any of this he actually does say it and he says it a lot. He says it to us and to the children he plays with. He has developed a very sensitive heart and that, I think we’d both agree, is winning.
Awesome, Matt. That’s what it’s all about…I think we both agree that what is going on in kids’ hearts is really what we’re concerned about..we don’t want to raise the next generation of legalists, but kid with sensitive hearts!
Thanks for the discussion…one of these days, we’ll have to meet these kids! :)