Matt W Cook

writer.former fundamentalist.christianly fellow

Category: musings

In the dark, but not alone

Do you know what to do when it hits you?

When my dreams are large but I can’t pull them off. When I feel the desire throb within me like a wound. When it aches and spreads through my chest into my head. When I want it so bad I feel like I’ll die without it. And then, when the pain is at its height, I try to get up and fulfill the dream, but I cannot. Do you know that feeling? When you could do it – for there’s nothing really in your way – but you cannot? Your heart dies as you approach your dream and suddenly all the pain of desire turns on its head and becomes a pain of revulsion. Resistance. Anger. And then you sit back down and you wonder to yourself – “Do I hate my dream? I thought I loved it.” And you cannot tell what is wrong. And you cannot understand the depth of how screwed up you must be to passionately love and hate the same thing at the same time. Do you know that feeling? Have you felt that? Do you know what to do when it comes upon you?

I think that’s the time when it’s best to find somewhere dark and quiet, and pray.

And it helps, y’know. It actually helps.

Fire and Brimstone

I can picture the preacher. Black suit. Dark tie. Stony face. He stands there atop the platform, takes the glass in his strong hand and drinks. He puts the glass back down and looks over the crowd, waiting and expectant. He takes a breath, raises his hand and begins to preach.

“This land,” he says, voice already at a yell, “is hanging over the pit of hellfire! This land, this evil, abominable culture we have found ourselves in, is against God in the most perverted ways imagined. Only the great and unfathomable mercies of Jehovah have held the fire and brimstone from consuming this country as it consumed Sodom and her whoredom so long ago. But do not presume on the mercies of God! There is a limit! A limit of the deviant sin that God will be willing to put up with. I tell you, brothers and sisters, if this land will not repent of its grave iniquity, it will be consumed just like that city of old that has become a byword for sin so heinous I can hardly bring myself to give it utterance.

“What? Are there those among you who think that our country and culture is not so bad? Worldly! Deceived! Sons and daughters of a liberal, post-Christian age! Can you not see? Have you not heard what the Lord has done to those nations that have turned to the sins that our culture and politicians are embracing? God points the finger at the political parties who have allowed this sin, most horrid, to become accepted, nay, applauded. God points the finger to the citizens who do not care or raise their voices against the sin of Sodom that has become so popular. God points the finger even at the Church, his whore bride, who plays the part of Sodom with more and more liberty now than ever. Never before has the Church been more like Sodom than today! And you think God does not hear? You think God does not see? Shame! Shame and judgement! The judgement of God shall fall upon us all soon, for the philosophy and practices of Sodom are with us, unchanged by time.”

He pauses to take a breath, I think. Another sip of water. And then he opens his Bible and, in a soft voice, reads.

“Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy.”

Dora the Lover

    For a while I was despairing about finding children’s media that I felt good enough to share with my kids. Ponyo was a great film, to be sure, but I was looking for something smaller and repeatable, like a TV series. But the vast majority of them are empty and mindless. Shows like Spongebob strike me as the unfiltered imaginings of an insane ten-year-old.
    Then I found Dora the Explorer. My kids love it almost as much as I do. It’s about a bilingual brown girl who runs around with her best friends exploring and discovering. Here’s why I love it:

  • Dora explores and embraces racial diversity. Her skin is dark and she speaks more than one language. She takes part in different cultural celebrations. Difference is good in Dora’s world. Not something to be hidden, but something to be celebrated. She doesn’t try to make us all the same, she rejoices in all our differences. This is wild because just recently Joseph noticed that I am a different color than Ruth and that we are both different from him. For a second, as he was asking about it, I saw a glimmer of confusion on his face. I told him he was right, that we are all different, and I acted excited about that. “Isn’t it neat that we are all different colors?” And Dora backs me up on that, whatever the kids at school might say.
  • Dora is a hard-working helper. Like the time when her friend Boots lost his truck and they had to climb a mountain to get it. Or the time her parents asked her to help with the babies and she spent the entire episode reading to them and feeding them banana baby food. While most children’s programs have heroes doing everything they can to get out of school and work, Dora embraces the tasks she gets and even asks for more.
  • Dora loves her enemies. Swiper is the villain of Dora’s universe. He goes around swiping Dora’s toys and food and anything else he can get his foxy hands on. He’s a klepto, I’m sure. He never gives Dora a moment’s rest. He’s a punk. But when Swiper, through his own crimes, was trapped in a magic bottle, Dora was quick to help. She didn’t say a word about Swiper’s swiping or about his guilt. She dropped everything to travel across the world and get the king to release him. And when Dora gets anything good that she can share, she tracks down Swiper to make sure he gets some of it. She doesn’t fight her enemies, she embraces them. Reminds me of a Man I know.
  • Dora never hates. She never has a harsh word for anyone. She holds no grudges. She only works against the ‘bad guys’ when to do otherwise would compromise her own high moral standards. And even then she does it gently, without anger.
  • Dora loves to sing and dance. She isn’t content to sit and sleep and eat. She wants to get up and move. She wants to dance. She wants to explore. She wants to get out of the place she is from and achieve and carry her unique light into the world.
  •     So if you have kids, go check out Dora. She’s a hero.

    Trading Freedom for Freedom

    My son just started taking Karate classes. I enjoy watching him out there on the mat, trying to keep up with the other students as the teacher leads them through kicks, punches whatnot. After class today he came up to me and told me how very badly he wanted his yellow belt. It was his second class. He’s ambitious, eh?

    My son is a free spirit. He rarely stays on one task for long. His eyes are always on the next ridge, seeking something new to explore and do. He’s free. He’s wild. I like him. But the freedom he is enjoying right now is not the kind of freedom that will get him his yellow belt. In fact, the freedom he has will hinder him from the freedom that the yellow belt proves.

    To get the yellow belt you need to demonstrate some of the basic moves and katas of karate. Joseph can’t do that. He is not free to do that.

    I’ve heard that discipline is the price of freedom. But I also think that freedom is the price of discipline. In order to be free to do Pinan Shodan, Joseph needs to gain focus and discipline. In order to gain focus and discipline, he needs to give up some of his lesser freedoms.

    It’s like that with everything, eh? Something for something.

    The price of freedom = discipline.
    The price of discipline = freedom.

    What Makes a Good Story

  • Good stories are convoluted, for life is convoluted. Anything true is deep and complicated. Every person is interesting and intricate. If these things are not true in a story, the story is lacking.
  • Good stories are beautiful, for life is beautiful. Without beauty the human soul cannot relate perfectly with a story. Without beauty something is missing.
  • Good stories are meaningful, for life is meaningful. In the deepest tragedies, in the most glorious victories and in everything in between there must be meaning. Otherwise why would I care about the story (or life) at all?
  • Good stories are difficult, for life is difficult. You cannot pull good things from life with wrestling. So it is with stories. They should not give up their treasures without a bit of a fight (but not too much).
  • Good stories are fun, for life is fun. A good story must entertain, because life is so very entertaining. If it were not so, why would we keep living?
  • Good stories are emotional, for life is emotional. The good story tugs on your heart, one way or the other. And it hardly seems to matter which way it tugs, so long as it tugs.
  • Good stories are epic, for life is epic. It could be the epic of a lone hobbit triumphing over the immortal dark lord. Or it could be the epic of an illiterate village girl finding, at the end of her life, a friend. The mundane can be epic. Indeed, it must be.
  • Good stories are fantastic, for life is fantastic. Fairies are wonderful things in stories. The fantastic, magical things that dwell in stories mirror the mighty wonders in our world that we cannot understand. Fairies are real, for they mirror something unknown and beautiful in reality. And if your reality is missing things like fairies, I wonder if it’s missing too much.
  • Good stories are truth, for life is true. I was once told that storytellers use lies to tell the truth. And that is the truth.
  • Good stories do not help you escape, for life does not. Entertainment that offers me an escape annoy me. I do not want to escape life, I want to live it more. A good story does not distract you from life. It shows you life. It helps you live life stronger and harder. If you want to escape, try drugs. If you want to live hard, read a good story.
  • Trying to Fly

    Joseph handed me one of his big story books and asked me to read to him the other day. The book was one of those large compilations of stories. I really have no idea where we got it, but he likes it. So I opened to the middle, picked a random story and started reading.

    A mouse named McWhiskers was walking around with a friend when they heard the news that Bru the Bear was planning to fly that afternoon and had invited everyone to come watch. McWhiskers immediately identified himself as the nay-sayer of the forest, as he commented on how bears simply cannot fly. But he went along anyway. They arrived at Bru’s place to see him piling crates up and attaching a pair of wings he had made to his arms. He was ecstatic. McWhiskers tried to rain on his parade by pointing out, again, that bears cannot fly. Bru was undaunted, though, and brushed his negativity aside.

    Of course, Bru’s attempts at flying failed. He leapt off the crates and flapped his wings hard, but crashed to the ground. McWhiskers had a polite ‘I told you so’ moment and finally convinced Bru to abandon his pursuit of flight altogether.

    The end.

    I decided to never read that story to Joseph again.

    Most people would say that McWhiskers was right to stop Bru. I mean, how could a bear ever hope to fly? It’s impossible! Indeed, if God had wanted Bru to fly, he would have given him wings. Good for you, Mr. McWhiskers, for stopping your silly friend from making a fool of himself.

    But was it really impossible for Bru to fly? Of course, the crude wings he made couldn’t do the job. But what if he built better wings? What if he devoted himself to learning about aerodynamics and trust and fuel and was able, after much work, to fashion a machine that would take him off the ground, just like we humans have? He would have flown. But he’ll never get that chance, you see, because McWhiskers talked him out of it.

    Imagine how much we would have lost if all the Brus of the world had listened to all the McWhiskers. We would have never advanced beyond the bronze age. We would have never done anything difficult or time-consuming. We would have never chased our dreams.

    McWhiskers, I think, is a cruel person. He himself had no ambition to fly, and so he saw fit to rob his friends of their ambition. And, in doing so, he became a murderer to dreams. Don’t be like McWhiskers. You never know when you may be cutting down a person who was destined to change the world.

    Falling for Utility

    When you were born, the very forests of Lordaeron whispered the name, ‘Arthas.’

    In 1994 Blizzard Entertainment released the original Warcraft game. It’s sequel was the first game I ever purchased. The storyline was amazing, and it keeps growing to this day with World of Warcraft.

    One of the most interesting characters in the franchise is Prince Arthas. He was a paladin in his youth, and son to the king of Lordaeron. He devoted his life to fighting against the forces of darkness, be they orc, undead or demon. From the beginning his zeal and passion for his people was apparent. Nothing could stop him from serving his realm. He would have made a decent king.

    And then the Scourge came. The Scourge is the army of undead, ruled by the Lich King and bent of the destruction of the world. Arthas threw himself against them, willing to die to bring them down. But when the Scourge defiled the entire store of grain at the capital city of Stratholme, Arthas was forced to pause and think.

    The defilement was going to turn every single citizen of Stratholme into undead minions of the Scourge. There was no cure. And such a large city would have bolstered the Scourges ranks so much that victory may have been impossible. So what was Arthas to do?

    He decided that the only fitting course of action was to kill the citizens of Stratholme before they became undead. His Paladin teacher opposed him, but he was stubborn. So he took his knights and began the culling of Stratholme.

    Arthas’ intentions were good. And you could even argue for the utility of his choices. But the choice led to his fall. In culling Stratholme, he damaged his soul. And this became the first of many choices that led Arthas to not only join the Scourge, but to become the Lich King himself – enemy of all living.

    Utility did him in. He thought only about the outward result, never wondering about what his choices would turn him into. I wonder if many of my choices have the same stench of dependence on utility. I may not be killing doomed civilians, of course. But do I refuse to help people, thinking utility instead of thinking of what Jesus would have me do? Do I refuse to help, thinking that my help will make them weaker and pander to their weaknesses? If I do, I imagine I’m ignoring my own soul. There must be a better way than strict utility. Maybe Arthas could have found a third way. A way to save the world, without damning his soul.

    Six Years Ago…

    Six years ago I married a funny girl from Pakistan. I count it as one of my better decisions.

    I try not to brag about the things that I’m good at. Bragging does not tend toward good relationships. But if I am going to brag about one thing, it will be about the quality of my marriage. With no word of a lie, I have not encountered a marriage as fun, happy, peaceful and exciting as mine. And I don’t say that sentimentally. I mean it. We are good at marriage. And, as with anything you can excel at, we have employed tactics that have made our marriage the best we’ve ever seen. Here they are:

  • A center on Jesus-philosophy. Not just Jesus ethic. Not just Jesus spirituality. Not just Jesus community. Jesus everything. A Jesus philosophy of life. His ethic shows us how to be kind. His spirituality enables us to pull it off. His community keeps our relationship great. The sermon on the mount informs practically all our marriage-related choices. And it works.
  • Being undignified. Dignified people have crappy marriages. I’m sorry, but it’s true. A person with dignity won’t dance in the rain with his wife. A person with dignity won’t play in the mud with his kids. A person with dignity can’t apologize quickly. A person with dignity can’t be a servant. And if you can’t do those things, you can’t have fun with your marriage. Thankfully, neither Ruth not I have any dignity that I can see.
  • Owning each other’s dreams. I think I’ve talked about this before. It’s one of the most important, and most neglected, aspects of marriage. Ruth is passionate about some things. I’m passionate about other things. We don’t expect each other to have that same passion or understanding. But we are both willing to take ownership of the other’s dreams. We are willing to work and sweat for each other’s dreams. And that kills conflict dead.
  • Dancing. As a family we often crank the music up and dance till we collapse. And we discovered that you cannot really be upset at a person trying hard to moonwalk. You just can’t.
  • Laughing at problems. In the words of the Joker, “Why so serious?” Too much seriousness will cripple a marriage. Most spouses take themselves far too seriously. If you cannot laugh or be laughed at, you will find marriage hard. When you laugh at your problems, they tend to lose their power. Seriously, they do. Try it!
  • A refusal to be malicious. We have noticed roots of malice in many marriages. And, as far as we can tell, a marriage with malice is a failed marriage. If you let that demon into your house, it will eat your soul. Kill it. Or it will kill you.
  • Empathy. There are always struggles that Ruth will have that I cannot understand, just because I’m a guy, or because I’m dumb. And that’s fine. It becomes unfine when I refuse to empathize with the things I don’t get. Like when she jumps on the couch when she sees a mouse. I don’t get that. But I empathize with it. I imagine what she must feel like if she jumps up on the couch like that. And, even though I couldn’t care less about a mouse in the house, since it affects her, I take it on myself. And she does the same for the things about me that she can’t quite understand.
  • Discontent. That’s right, discontent. If you are content your marriage will suffer for it. Content means enough. Content means settling. And I don’t like to settle. My marriage is the best one I’ve ever seen. But I’m not content with it just yet. I’m not content with the level of love I’ve attained. I’m not content with the massive level of peace and joy Ruth and I share. I want more. And I mean to get more. And so I’ll never settle. I’ll never sit back and say “Ah, now I have what I needed.” More, baby, yeah!
  • Openness. Cliche, I know, but true. I can tell Ruth anything. She tells me anything. There is no judging in my house. There is never a time when Ruth thinks less of me for a thing I’ve done or an opinion I hold. And so I am safe in my house, as is Ruth.
  • I feel like I could go on forever. So many wonderful tactics have come together to make my marriage the best I’ve ever seen. Marriage, I think, is whatever you make it to be. A lot of people have called it hell. Mine is like a little bit of heaven, and every year is the best one. So no matter when you see me, you can know that you are seeing me during the best year of my life.

    When You Don’t Want What You Want

    Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever been overtaken by a dream so vast and shiny that it becomes nearly all you ever think about? A dream that is attainable, for sure, if not for that one problem you face every time you sit down to carry it out.

    You just don’t want to do it.

    And who can blame you? There are so many other things in the world that you could be doing. Reading books. Playing games. Sitting in a soft chair staring off into the abyss of the nether-realm. Lots to do.

    And the dream tickles and pokes you from behind. “Hey! Look at me!” it says. “You said you loved me, so where are you?”
    “I’m right here, I just don’t feel like drawing you into existence just yet,” you say as you fill your mouth with candy.
    “When, then?”
    “In a minute.” But in a minute you’ve passed out, and when you awake you have nearly forgotten your dream.

    What gives? Why don’t we want to do what we want to do? Or, better yet, how can we want it?

    I don’t really know, but I have some guesses. For whatever they’re worth, here they are.

  • Discipline is the price of freedom. That’s an old adage that has clung to me since college. The truth of it seems stronger every day. Without discipline, you’ll never get out of the chair. The trick is getting it. Wooing discipline is like trying to flirt with a nun.
  • Remind yourself of why you love your dream. When you can’t seem to work up the will to work, close your eyes and imagine the day when the work is done. In fact, take a second and do it now. Nice, eh? That could actually happen, y’know. Fall back in love with the dream.
  • Look at the next step only. I once heard that imaginative people are the worst procrastinators because they can very clearly imagine all the work required to finish a project. And that drains. So quit looking at the whole thing. Just look at what needs to be done today. Look at tomorrow’s stuff tomorrow.
  • Stay in shape. The body and mind and spirit are all woven together in a beautiful and frustrating dance. When one goes, they all go. So jog or something. And stay away from the donuts!
  • Do it now. Quit planning. You don’t need to plan nearly as much as you want to. Good plans are useful, but not nearly as useful as doing the work. So just do it. Now. Don’t worry, this blog will still be here when you’re done.
  • Don’t be perfect. They always say ‘Anything worth doing is worth doing well.’ True enough. But anything worth doing is also worth doing is also worth doing half-arsed, too. Better a shoddy dream that lives than a perfect dream that’s dead. Besides, with most things you can always go back and tweak it when you’re done.
  • Stop talking to others about it. We want others to endorse our dreams. And so we blab and tell them. But the response we get is almost never what we’re looking for. In fact, it seems that most people can’t understand our dreams. And why should they? The dreams are yours and yours alone! So keep it to yourself, or a small group who thinks like you, and truck on!
  • Enjoy it. I often don’t know how to do this. But having it as a goal in my head seems to help a little. Enjoy your work. Enjoy building your dream. Heck, if you can pull that off, you won’t need to worry about any other strategy.

    PS – Congratulations to Eric and Alex Edwards who won the shameless contest. Send me an email letting me know which book you want and it’ll be shipped out to you pronto!

  • The Silent Screams

    Loud.

    Crash.

    Scrabbling for attention.

    We shout and dance and sing, desperate for the eyes of the people around us. We spin and toil, joyless for a reward always in our dreams but never in our hands. We make and break. We buy and break. We break and throw away and nothing is left. More. More. More. And in our noise we forget.

    And the mountain stands silent, silently screaming louder than us all, if only we had the ears to hear her. Naked she stands, behind her veil of cloud and frost. She tries to be shy and quiet, though she knows not how. And in her timid stance she declares the glory of the mover and shaker who pulled her from the ground and stood her on her feet. What does she do that demands our gaze? What work does she accomplish that deserves our wonder? Only that she is.

    Thank you for the music that you need not ears to hear. Thank you for the sights that do not require eyes. Thank you for beauty. Thank you for glory. Thank you for betrothing me to the carver of the mountains and the painter of song.